Deprogramming. That is the term my mom used when we got home from our dad’s house. She claimed that she needed do “deprogram us” back to the kids she wanted.

I feel like I’m in the middle of my deprogramming from being in the sticks and bricks life. I’m in my van, down by a creek, alone and having to adjust to the natural temperature. I find myself still reaching for the chaos of suburban life by doom scrolling. Something I had broken myself of so well. I feel my body not wanting it, but my mind craving the chaos. I tell myself not to pick it up, but I do because I need to for work or something, and the next thing I know I’m down the rabbit hole of the 10^th tiktok I’ve scrolled to.

I quickly get off, take a deep breath and go “It’s time to write.”

And then I get lost in the perfectionist mindset. Something I never thought I had. I’m wondering if I’m going to come up with something profound. I’m feeling the calling to write, but not the deep yelling I get with the profound thinking.

As I sit here writing, that isn’t want life is about. We won’t always be at our peak in our hobby, we won’t always be the best at it. But it simply to enjoy what the hobby has to offer.

Writing. It allows my mind to wander in all the places it can, from my feelings, to my spirituality to my wander. It scratches that itch nothing else can do. I also think it is important to write because one to many times I’ve been told “I love to see your mind work.”

I know my mind works in ways most people’s don’t. A part of me felt shame for that, I can’t be proud of something about myself, that leads to ego and narcissism. A trait I’ve been surrounded with since I was a little young lad. And I’ve been so afraid of it, I’ve been unable to develop a healthy relationship with pride.

This is why I’m blogging. Because I know people love the way my mind works – from my own perspective to my healing journey and now spiritual journey, my ability to see multiple perspectives, my ability to connect all conspiracy theories to ones that aren’t even linked and my wealth of knowledge. I promise you, I can probably engage in any conversation you might have and if I don’t, I can learn quickly to continue to talk to you.  

Cocky? Maybe. But I’ve also heard this feedback from many different people over the years.

As I’m sitting here writing to you all, as we explore this mind of my together, I’m reflecting on why I am writing and what I’m learning at this moment.

Come back with me for a second – My best friend died a little over three weeks ago. The message came in loud and clear that it is time for me to walk my spiritual path. I’ve been doing the healing path and now it is time to graduate.

Of course, there will be healing along the spiritual path, but more of the fun stuff, playing with energy, talking to whatever else is out there and many other things. But you are going to have to stick around for that info.

How do I walk this spiritual path? Hell if I know. I didn’t get down to the details. I simply opened up my heart and I listened and it said,

“Get your ass back into the woods and alone.”

Got it. You can’t hear the message if everything is so damn loud.

My mind is loud, my body is loud, and it makes my heart so quiet.

It is so damn hard to make it quiet. It is so hard to deprogram from the addiction of the chaos. I’m in the stages of learning how to do that and I will have to become quicker at it.

So that is the first step. Learning how to deprogram from the chaos. I don’t really have much more for you than that, as I’m still learning. I do know I’ve grabbed for my phone to doom scroll more than I want to admit. When I’m surrounded by beautiful nature.

Anyways, tomorrow is a new day and we shall experiment and try again. At least we identified what we DON’T want to do.