All summer long, my van repairs couldn’t get done fast enough, I was so ready to get out of Colorado, explore more of Wyoming and more of Montana, followed by a trek down to Louisiana to see my best friend of 17 years. Now, I’m planning when is the latest I can leave Colorado before I make it down to Louisiana by mid to late October.

It is so weird how life changes like that.

I wasn’t looking for “her”. I was working on manifesting her. I had taken the last year and a half to heal my attachment wounds and explore my past relationships. What happened, what mistakes I made and how can I heal those trauma wounds. I learned I had a huge attachment issues that stemmed from my childhood. Amazing, a seasoned therapist had attachment issues they were unaware of.

I did the work. I started making myself happy, making a list of everything I needed in a partner from here on out and I would not tolerate or accept anything less. Of course, I had bonus boxes, like enjoy dad jokes and puns, but there were hard nos. I was going to be picky for the first time in my life and being a nomad is about to make this 10 times harder. I was in no rush. I wanted my next to be my last. I also promised Everest the next person she would get close to wouldn’t leave.

I’ve been on the apps, but not to find her. I needed to build connections, community, friends. This nomadic life and being therapist, life can get lonely. I listen all day, sometimes its nice to be heard. So while I knew there was a small slight chance I might meet her, I felt spirit said it was going to be a long while before I met her. I did tell spirit that I was ready for my next step in my healing journey. Which meant applying the new skills and behaviors I wanted to implement. I was ready to start being and acting my most authentic self.

August 9^th, I matched with one particular soul on one of the apps. She reached out to me first, asking me about van life. A couple check marks right off the bat. You read my profile AND you just told me you eventually want to get to van life? Let’s go!

The conversation feels easy. The more we talk, the longer and more in depth our responses become. She has my interest. We keep talking and then, the day before the August Blue Super Moon, I asked her for her number.

That is a HUGE step for me. If I am asking you about your contact info, that means I am really interested in you. I rarely do that. I kept checking my phone, waiting for her response. I walked about Crown Hill Park that evening, just bathing in the full moon energy. I was excited I might have made an incredible new friend, because it was way too early for me to have found “her” at this point. There. Was. No. way. Not at this point in my life.

Monday, at 6:02 PM I got a text message from an unknown number. I was elated.

The text messages began to grow longer and longer. The conversations were deep, with this incredibly connection. A few conversations were tabled by the statement of “this is more of an in person conversation.” The third time one of us said that, I knew it was time. I asked if she wanted to meet up to have these conversations. Once again, doing something I don’t ever do.

She said yes. I told her my boundaries about the dogs and my restrictions, and she goes, well let’s do a picnic up in the mountains. That plan slowly changed and evolved to where I booked a campsite, (I stayed here with Vanlife Pride!) and we planned to hang out there and see where that Saturday afternoon would take us.

Over the week of us texting, prior to the meet up, the intimacy became so deep. Not only was it about getting physically intimate, but it was also emotionally and mentally intimate. Sharing personal stories, heartaches, pain, laughter and happiness. I found myself sharing with her what cycles I’m trying to break and what I need going forward in a relationship. We talked about me living in a van and traveling and if she would be okay with long distance.

I also know this is a lesson for me. I have had some amazing opportunities in the past in which I said no to because I found a girl. Of course, this is where I am right now. And I know I have to pass this life lesson. I have to get this lesson right. I’m so mad at myself too because it’s going to be harder than all the other times. She is so supportive. She allows me to honor my feelings and anger at my past self while also encouraging me to still go. This makes my Sagittarius rising so incredibly happy.

I grabbed a shower at my friend’s Ky’s house. I knew my weekly shower wouldn’t work. I needed to be clean. I arrived at the spot around 12:30 PM on Saturday. My anxiety began to rise. I unpacked the van as quickly as I could, as she said she was behind me and I didn’t know how far behind. At most it could be 40 minutes in my mind. I cleaned the van as best as I could, got everything set up and waited. Damn near a 1.5 hours. Of course my mind raced. Of course the thought of her ghosting came through. Have these ever happened before? Not really. Why this time?! Because I recognize that I am this anxious at this point, this could be something really big, or this could really flop. I was nervous.

Who is this girl that has so many checkboxes marked off for me at this point, including the bonus ones at this point. I need to meet this girl. There is no way this is her.

She finally shows up, jumps out of the car and we hug. Do I kiss her? Of course not! I’m not ready for that growth yet apparently. Making the first move is never my thing.

At one point during our conversation, I had learned she had a phobia of bugs and why. Shortly afterwards, I see a bug on her foot. Now, typical Chase gets rather awkward at this point with anyone. I typically will not say shit and wait for them to notice? Why? Because I feel like the reaction makes it worse? Not the point of this post.

I’m having this mental battle of what do I do? I can’t do what I typically do because she has a phobia related to a trauma and I respect that. So I ask if I can “invade her space for a moment?” so I can wave away the insect that is on her. So this is the perfect opportunity to make a move right?

Welcome to making things awkward and confusing with Chase!

We hang out for nearly 6 hours. Yup. Still have yet to make a move. Why?! Have you met me?  I finally invite her into the van to show her something. Junean wants to come into the van because bedtime. She suggest leaving and I respond “I suck at this part!”

“What part?!” she asks, in this cute, innocent, sweet mocking way.

“This part.” I respond with a huge smile on my face.

I swing around finally and I kiss her.

It’s like fireworks erupt, There is lighting coming through, connecting both of our bodies. It’s almost like we have known each other for years.

Things continue to escalate. The entire night I could only ask myself and her:

“Who are you?”

She didn’t really have an answer. My mind was blown. I mean, I worked on manifesting her, but I figured I would meet her at some van festival a few years down the road. After I got this nomadic solo journey with a solid foundation. Not within the 2 months of me leaving and only being on the road for 4 months.

Well, its her. It’s the girl I’ve been manifesting, it’s the girl that will be my last, it is the most incredible gift the universe has ever given me. I am also able to recognize the work that I have done that has allowed me to receive this gift.

Elle (her) and I laugh often about how we are mad we didn’t meet earlier, but how we accept that we were not ready for each other. We can confirm we were both at one event (The odds and oddities expo) together last October, at the same time. We laugh at that and say the universe was testing to see if we were ready for each other.

We stayed out until Sunday evening the next day. I didn’t want time to end. I wanted to stay present with her, getting to know her, just existing with her. I even asked for a picture of her and I! I never do that, but I wanted this moment. I wanted our first picture together. I wanted to document this. It is now my favorite picture of all time.

That long list of things I needed in a relationship, in a partner – she checks off nearly every one of them, even the ones that I consider to be bonus boxes, like the love of puns and dad jokes, or indie music. I think the only thing we might not get along with is some food preferences, but ya know more potatoes for her.

I’m sure many of you think I’m crazy or this is going to fast or maybe I’m repeating some old patterns and cycles. I don’t blame you. I would be weary too.

She loves my insecurities in a way that makes me love them even more. She encourages me on the things I’m struggling with. When something feels off, we talk about it and try to be aware of it going forward. We listen to each other, we get excited for each other. We truly want nothing but the best for each other.

I’ve always heard the statement “My partner makes me want to be a better person.” I thought I understood this, but I didn’t, until now, until I met her.

She is bringing back my sass, my goofiness, my confidence, my love for all things – she is helping me bring back all the parts of myself that I love so dearly that I lost simply due to life and life experiences and people pleasing. About a year and a half ago, I started working on my people pleasing issue. Little did I know, I was becoming someone I thought the world wanted me to be and I lost myself in the process.

I don’t worry about disappearing for a few hours to go for a solo hike. I feel safe enough to continue to be me In my most weird and authentic self without worrying to impress her or if I do something that might disappoint her. I know that she loves me for me, even with all my weird quarks.

From time to time, we still both struggle in accepting that this is real. That neither one of us really had high hopes in finding the “one”. But we both trust that we are each other’s one.

I get it now. When they say you know, you know and that’s it – we know. We’ve talked about the tough stuff, the big deal breakers. How much it is going to suck when I leave in October, but how important it is I take this journey. It’s also allowed me to bring back the parts of myself in which I LOVE to surprise people.

For example, last Friday night, she was out at Karaoke and invited me out. I happen to be in the Denver area. Of course, I play the game of “Are you sure? I don’t want to ruin girls night?” and little did she know I was about half way there. I walk into the bar and I see her. I feel my fox stealth magic kick in, so I won’t be seen. I walk around the back of the table, and slide into the bench right next to her. Took her by complete surprise. I love those type of surprises in the depth of my soul.

While being gone for several months down south will suck, I’ve also warned her that there will be a surprise visit and I’m so excited for that part.

I’m falling in love with my own love story. I’m falling in love with the person I am becoming and even more so because she loves all those parts of me that I’ve been afraid to show, or parts of me that I have forgotten about. I’m falling in love with this idea that we will be separated for a while, only to make our love story sweeter. I want the love story that you don’t hear about anymore.

There are very few things I’ve really wanted out of this time on this beautiful planet; dogs, a life filled with exploring and adventure out of a back of a van and my love story. I was starting to lose hope in finding that story, finding my person, finding my other half, but I told myself I wouldn’t stop doing the work.

I am beyond grateful for the universe gave me her. I’m so proud of myself for doing the work to be able to accept her. I’m excited to see myself grow even more as I watch myself do things differently. I fall into this depth of darkness with her and I trust that I will be okay. I step back and I watch myself become this person and I tap into my inner kid self and say “You did it kid, you fucking did it. Now sit back, enjoy this ride, explore, adventure and fall in love with your own love story.”

I hope you all continue to join me on my van life adventures, because things just got a bit more sweeter.