If you know me, or if you have followed me long enough, you will know I believe that life is a series of lessons that we have to go through in order to grow and become a better person. I also believe if you are unable to get the lesson the first time around, you will inevitably face the lesson again, but a much harder level.

Well my friends, here we are. I have a pattern of setting up big adventures or wanting to go exploring new places and then canceling them because of a partner, potential of one or because I’m desperate for a social connection I haven’t had.

I can tell you several different instances of which I have gone through this lesson and have never chosen my adventure or wandering spirit over a person. We could say it was because I was insecure in myself, I had wounds I was expecting others to heal for me, I was afraid to be alone and the list could go on and on.

I knew I was aware of the choices I was making and how I was missing out on my own experiences.

We are back at this lesson and I knew I was facing this lesson again, back in  May of 2023 when the universe introduced me to a person that opened my world up to new experiences, healing and a new group of friends.

When I met this friend, I knew she would be a lifelong friend. She joked with me and said it wasn’t fair I was leaving so soon. I cursed the universe and spirit for giving me a solid group of friends, connections and events in my last 1.5 years in Denver. I didn’t shy away from the experience either. I absorbed every moment of it. I did drum circles, I did kirtans, I danced and I learned so much about myself. I also found comfort in knowing I would always have a home in Denver and I would always have family here. I accepted that I would be on the road, with an amazing community here in Denver and I would always have a home here. A driveway to sleep in.

I said, I see you universe. I accept you universe. I will make it through this lesson. Thank you so much for giving me this incredible group of people and experiences and I’m ready to keep growing. I know it is going to be hard to say good bye to these friends and I am also aware that these are life long friends. And these friends will not care how far I wander, they accept my wandering spirit and will always welcome me when I wander back home.

I had also spent this last 1.5 years manifesting the perfect partner for me. I made a mental note of a check list; of things I needed in a partner. I’ve never been selfish in finding what is right for me. I’ve made excuses, or changed things about me for my previous partners. I said no to jobs, I said no to solo trips, I said no to making new friends, I said no to new experiences. I missed out on soooo many different things because my old patterns and cycles.

I created high standards and I wasn’t afraid of it. I also had “bonus” boxes. Like, if you are into folk music, that is awesome, but not a necessity. I had accepted that being in van life and being a heyoka (more on that for another time) meant that my life might be incredibly lonely, and it may take a while to find her, if I even find her at all. I had come to terms with that. I am in no rush to find the perfect one. But doesn’t mean I won’t polish my dating and flirting skills in the meantime.

I also had accepted that I am an old soul. I want a long lasting, deep romantic love. While my parents are not the best example of that by any means, I’ve surrounded myself around friends who have that love. I’ve read stories about this deep love and I started manifesting this deep love. If you are not in the queer community, it is filled with those that no longer want monogamy and want multiple partners and hook ups. I love this for them. I love this for each and everyone one of you that practice this lifestyle.

My old soul doesn’t need that, nor does it want it. I’ve tried. I’ve tried hook up culture, I’ve tried poly. I’ve tried it all. My soul gets soo uncomfortable in those situations. I had accepted that I wanted the long, slow romantic love.

Man, did I have some major roadblocks ahead of me in trying to find “the one.” But you know what, it was worth it in my mind. If I could find a love that my best friend and her late husband had -I would be ecstatic. This is what I craved when I first met her and him, nearly 17 years ago. Their love was incredible, and I want that it and nothing less.

This lesson of making amazing friends was not the end of the lesson, it was only the precursor to my biggest one yet.

For those that have me on social media, if you haven’t picked up on it yet. I met someone. I’ve been on the dating apps. I have been primarily looking for connection. I have been learning how to flirt and not be awkward. I just want to expand my social network. I didn’t have high expectations. I also accepted that finding “her” whoever she was, might take a few years. And I’m okay with that because I just started this new chapter. And I’m about 1.5 months away from headed out of Colorado and venturing down south to spend time with my best friend and my family – at least through the winter months. I’m in in a season in which dating for her would be difficult with my seasons down south.

Life said:

“You are doing great kid, so here is your toughest lesson that you have failed previously. Here is the girl you have been manifesting in all the ways possible. All those little check boxes you made, she checks every one of them.”

 The connection with her is electrifying. I’m constantly pleasantly surprised on how it feels like we are two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly with each other. It’s like I’ve known her for so long, but yet only met her for the first time in this lifetime.

I go for a walk this morning and I reflect on this euphoria I’m feeling and the dread of knowing I’m leaving soon. How dare you, Universe, for giving me this incredible gift, so soon and yet so close to my departure.

Every lesson you did not pass will come back tenfold. It will come back even more difficult. I am beyond heartbroken knowing I will be leaving this beautiful soul, but yet I’m beyond excited to start this adventure with this incredible woman by myself. Not only do I get to live my most deepest desires of being a nomad, spending two months with my best friend, traveling the country and spending time with my sister and niece, but I have my biggest fan cheering me on while she is able to continue to take the steps she needs for her own growth and her excitement and her journey. I know we will come together in the end.

Having found someone that wants me to grow just as much as I want her to grow is beyond an incredible feeling. Also knowing I just met her in this sensitive and critical time for me will be the lesson I’ve been needing to learn.

Universe, you suck sometimes. But if this is the work I have to do for “the one”, for her, for me to achieve my ultimate dreams to finally just start living. Let’s go. I know the rewards at the end of this journey. Fuck instant gratification.

I also know that this relationship will only work if her and I continue to stay true to not only ourselves, but to each other. Being long distant in the first 6 months is going to be incredibly difficult, the hardest lesson yet.

If I don’t get this lesson right, then I know her and I won’t work – because we won’t be authentic and authenticity is the key for so many of life’s experiences.

I might be on top of the world for sooo many different reasons and I love this feeling. With this incredible high comes the difficult and pain growing pains.

This lesson will be the hardest lesson I have experienced in my life of 35 years and I know this one thing.

I am worth it and she is worth it. Whatever this is, it is worth it.