It’s another day, in the middle of a second frustrating week of working with mechanics and technicians and a crazy schedule to get Zacharcy up and running for me to head south for the winter. And damn it, I want to get up to Glacier National Park before the summer is over! I want to get that done within the month and damn are the tensions rising. I am a BEYOND patient person. But when I flip, I flip quick and it is cold. I recently discovered my Mars is in Gemini, which basically means, I’m gonna do a drastic flip on ya. And that is not good my friend.

Well, I’m there with one guy. The one guy I’ve been waiting on since middle of June to replace my solar panels. He tried to pull some bull shit excuse about the weather and how he wouldn’t be back until later than he expected. Like bro I get it. I get you wanna go out and play, BUT SO DO I. And you are the last one on the list at this point.

Ironically, his van broke down trying to get back here. And he had the balls, yes THE DUMB FUCKING BALLS to complain about expensive hotels and costly repairs. I kindly replied back.

“Yeah, that sucks. I’ve spent over 15k in repairs this summer. I hope it gets fixed for you soon.”

Haven’t heard from the fucker since. And that was yesterday afternoon.

A huge part of me is like “Right fucking now karma?” and the other part of me is like “Good, he better start shitting his pants.”

Anyways, today has been extremely stressful. I tried to get my AC repair done and my favorite mechanic can’t figure it out. He told me to head to an electrician. My anxiety shot up and I found myself in a familiar place of “Alright, let’s go. Let’s problem solve this right now.”

And I thought to myself, I need to call all auto electrician  in the area and well, my options were not looking great. One needed it for like 3 days, others couldn’t fit me in and then I just started to feel defeated. I then took a few breathes, talked to my best friend, which literally was me talking to myself. Figuring out a game plan and saying “Heyyyy anxiety, slow down. I get the sense of urgency, but we don’t need to figure this out today. Breathe. No major decisions until 48 hours. You can research, but nothing final.

Big deep breathes I took. I accepted multipled realitlies and outcomes and how I would handle each. I talked to folks on facebook groups and then I talked to one extremely kind genetlemen. He mentioned something along the lines of  testing the wires and just words that didn’t make any sense to me. So I opened the hood, and I saw a connection. And the damn thing had fried it self, just like it had in my dashboard right before I went to Mesa Verda. Except this harness connector only had four, with SOOO much room and EASY access! I was beyond excited. After doing my headlight switch, that was so hard, so awakard to access and little to know access wire. It was difficult. I knew tis would be a walk in the park.

Autozone was the part store in town that seemed to carry this part that I needed. I was hyper focused, looking for it while working with clients. Not the best, but this happens to me. It was literally the closet auto store. $45 out the door and I can fix this tonight if I really wanted to.

And as I drove to the auto store and I checked in with myself. Is this something I really want to do to my nervous system tonight? Yes, I could do this I have no doubt that I can and it will go smoothly and I can say that confidently.

I ended up picking up the part. Coming back and then doing the skills of practicing my grounding skills. Listening to what my body needed to help calm down for a restful nights sleep. I said to myself, “Hey anxiety, let’s really listen to my body and do what feels good, not what we always do.” And it quietly whispered back “eat fruit, real food.” We ran to the grocery store and picked up some fresh food, we didn’t even leave the produce area and my body already felt better.

We arrived and as I got up to get ready for my fruit dinner, I asked myself “What do I need?” and my body whispered back, “Some of that THC, please?” So I took a hit, to help quiet my mind and to allow my self to help with the stress of the day go. I stood in the middle of my van and I asked myself again “What do I need?” and my mind whispered to myself “music, but with those fancy frequency headphones.” And I replied back “Yes! A great idea and with the instrumental playlist!” so I turned it on. I danced in the middle of my van and I loved deeply into my dog and I danced with her and I danced the stress away and melted in to the waves of the music. And then I danced some more and then remembered about a breathing technique I learned in podcast recently (The Awake Space). And I danced and did that breathing technique. And I danced and the breathed in and then breathed out and felt my body loosen in ways that were so magical and it felt so incredibly good.

And now I sit here and write. And I write to you all to not only share my experience of my day, but me, in the middle of a process. I call this process “breaking a cycle”. This is a cycle I have found myself in. Unable to cope, unable to slow down and unable to be aware of my body and how to not let my thoughts control me and to just go slow. I also came to understand that zipping through a decision rather than taking a breathe and slowing down came to the anxiety that I didn’t know that I had and damn is it crazy!

So while to day was in a bit more of a chaotic frustration day for me in my emotions, I also see my progress in my growth of being aware of anxiety and how to break my cycle. And damn and I proud of my progress.