Life. Life. Life?

What is life? Today life feels like a series of lessons and experiences. These lessons and experiences allow your soul to discover its true self. You get the option to choose how you handle each experience. Like I’m in an experience right now that I have been in quiet a few times. This time, I’m choosing to be aware of how I’m responding and reacting. I’m reflecting on how I have done things differently, without thought and just through emotion.

I sit here, I take a few deep breaths and I reflect. I reflect on the person who I used to be and I remind myself of the person of who I want to be. Then I think about how that person would respond. I consider how they would react. I choose to do those steps and make those choices. But here is the thing, I can’t act this way if I’m not grounded. If I’m lost in the chaos of the world or the news or what ever energy is pulling on me. I take a deep breath and I remind myself of “I want to be this person and I will make these choices so I can continue to be my most authentic self.”

I didn’t realize that the first few steps take work to be your authentic self. Trust that the old way, that the anxious, nervous and thoughtless way would have such a hold on me. If I let this thought pattern go, who would I be? An unaware and insensitive person? Nah, just more like a cool, confident and secure person. The hardest part? Trusting that this is the process, this is the way. That little anxious thought pattern is a lot fucking harder to kick than one would think.

For those of you that take the effort to read the blog and for what? I don’t know, a one more step of privacy? I’ll go into more detail here. Maybe she reads it and figures it out, maybe she doesn’t, but maybe that is the thrill of authenticity here. I love being real about my exciting parts in my life as I experience them. So here we go.

Over the last few days or maybe a week now, I don’t know, past time makes no sense to me, I’ve been talking to a few people. I’ve been so grateful that the universe has granted me so many people to connect with, some old and some new and it has really been helpful in combating the loneliness I’ve been struggling with. And I tell ya one, one is standing out and I’m really enjoying the connection that is building. Old me? I would have jumped straight into rushing things, or trying to figure out the future or living in the future. I had to learn that it was a coping strategy for me. Living in the future was related to my ability to cope through my parents divorce. If I focus on when I can live with my mom, I’ll be okay. I never learned how to be in the present and just enjoy being here, in the moment and in the good moments. Like I’ve done a lot of work on learning how to feel the bad. And now, this experience, is to learn how to live in the good ones too. Don’t rush through them, don’t rush through trying to figure things out. And it is such a high my friends.