Disclaimer: This was originally written on 5.3.24

Oh man! What a time to be alive and on this beautiful wonderful journey with me!

I wish I could open up saying that the first week and a half has been pure bliss, I’m living my dream and I’m happier than I could ever be.

It’s been the opposite, but not quiet the opposite, simply because it has been fascinating to sit back and see how much better I handled these challenges compared to how I have in the past. And FINALLY, how proud I am of the person I have come today through this self-doubt mind fuck.

I love watching myself growth like that. I get a hard on, for life and what the spiritual high. It’s like you can feel and see your soul just level up. Try it some time, you won’t regret it.

Anyway, a weee bit over 11 years ago. I made the best decision of my life and moved to a small town called Salida, right in the Heart of the Rockies of Colorado. It was beautiful and I was going to be doing some incredible work. I was ready to start my dream, my souls crush and move away to a place I would soon call my Soul’s home. The peace that place gives me indescribable. When you find yours, you will know.

Anyways, I didn’t come without its challenges, and some of the biggest ones I’ve ever faced in my entire life – well up until this point.

To give some back story – I was hired on as an AmeriCorps VISTA. Basically, the idea was to live in poverty while you worked on helping alleviating poverty. That meant if anything went wrong, I was basically screwed. I made $200 a week and I couldn’t get a second job to take care of things if something went wrong. It was terrifying, but I was ready to make the commitment – I wanted to get to Colorado. I was young and I knew to trust the process.

I was also unable to break up with my girlfriend at the time. I was deep in my people pleasing issues thinking that people could take a hint. So she followed me out here and I resented it sooo much. There is also more to that story for later.

I also moved to a town that was not very pet friendly and looking back on it, was discriminatory towards housing of females with dogs. I literally had a woman said she wouldn’t do it. I am still beyond grateful for my step mom that officially found me a super cheap house that allowed dogs. I still don’t know how I would have done it if it wasn’t for her.

Shortly after getting there, I had a roommate that I didn’t get along with. I was 30 minutes away from work and she would leave the front door open during the day with the heat on full blast when it was 20 degrees out. Remember, I only made $200 a week. I couldn’t afford such luxuries. Shortly after that, my step mom found me that house -within walking distance of my work.

Within the first two months, I had managed to hit a deer and have to pay money to repair what I could because I didn’t have comprehensive anymore. I literally just paid my jeep off two months before that.

While the Jeep was in the shop, Bailey, my beloved old Bailey, was doing her dog thing and got out to chase some deer. Well I guess the police saw her doing this dogly type thing and picked her up and put her in doggy jail. Her running spree lasted 15 minutes. I looked for her for 2.5 hours.

Once again, with much gratitude, my stepmom came up with the idea of calling the police to see if they heard anything, since it was a small town. That is when I heard they had and I could get her tomorrow out of doggie jail. Little did I know, that whole ordeal ended up costing me $300 and an unclassified misdemeanor on my record. I love that damn dog. May she continue to be everyone’s dog and heal those she ever comes in contact with. If you knew her, you know what I’m talking about.

And then, four months later, I was told my transmission on my jeep was failing and I needed to replace it for $2,000. I was devasted, but I also knew what I had –  a straight six engine that is knowing to go easily 400,000 miles (she is at 310,000 now!), so I chose to rebuild it. Plus, once again, making $200 a week was not going to get me approved for any car loan. Let’s be real here. And I can’t get a second job. I called my parents to ask for help. I got a harsh lecture from each of them about how I’ve basically been super irresponsible for moving to Colorado, taking this low paying job, having two dogs, the list goes on and on.

It devastated me. Not, “We are so proud of you sweetie!” They couldn’t see my purpose and why this was important to me. Just that I was being young and dumb.

It has broken me to my core that I haven’t shared this with anyone until now. I needed my parents to be proud of me. I needed the encouragement, because I was scared. I needed that unconditional love that I know they would be there for me no matter what. That beautiful foundation I saw in soo many of my peers.

Pro Tip: Always be proud of your kid. Even if you don’t understand their decisions. That is where self-esteem comes.

Anyways, they gave me each $500 and I was grateful and I’ve always told the story that way. But it also caused me stress because she needed it back right then and there. I know, to this day, I owe my dad $250 of that money. If you want it dad, let me know and of course, I’ll pay the interest. Wouldn’t expect you to right a favor off for me, *ahmen* since you don’t care about me because we don’t talk. Great dad you are!

So if you get the picture, you can see some of the punch after hurdle after punch I had to keep dodging and figuring it out.

But you know what also happened in that year and a half?

I got to learn more about myself, my boundaries, my values, what was really important to me. I got to see some really beautiful places and some really fun facts about the land there. I got to meet one of my first true friends that showed me what true friendship was and how to fall in love platonically with someone.

I got to go on random hikes when ever I wanted to and take the dogs with me. We explored some really cool places and I fell in love with off roading.

I got to be a mail man, I got to be a train guide. I got to really learn how to just live. Because shit was going to happen and you had to make the best of it. And that is exactly what I did.

And that chapter of my live has been the most incredible, most favorite, most wild and best chapter ever of my entire life. I wouldn’t never trade it for the world – nor would I change a damn thing. The tattoo on my right arm actually represents that chapter for me.

Okay Chase, but how does this relate to where you are at right now?

And it is because it is a lot of the same challenges, same questions that I had previously and to see myself mentally navigate each issue this last week and a half is mile stones from similar challenges in my Salida era.

For example, I have had my fair share of issues with my van, by the way, her name is Billie Jean! She is an older gal and a young soul at heart and ready to explore the world with me. So the water leak last week was over $500. I ended up getting a hotel due to personal reasons and thoughts and ultimately am okay with the decision in the long run, but I’m not happy about it. I have plenty of other ideas I could have done – like just used my office. But I also empathize because I know why I did it. To know I can reflect this quickly now too – it feels sooo good. Talk about instant gratification, I don’t know how much better it gets with that.

I am also proud of myself for being in a much better and more independent state. Like ti has been tough financially, but knowing I still a financial pillow – I am so proud of myself.

I also find it interesting that when the self-doubt comes in or the fear comes in, I lean on that confidence in that younger version in myself and it makes things soo much easier. Unfornantly, life experiences has almost made me lose confidence in myself like my younger self had. So she has been incredibly helpful.

I’ve also had nights in Salida when I was questioning my decision about moving and if it was smart and if my parents were right about everything. I was in over my head.. And that is when I take a breath, I check in with my heart. Where is she, how is she feeling. And she is in true bliss. She reminds me that this is all part of the growth, the lessons and how to work through these difficult times now to come back to the idea that it is worth it – to accept things as they are and just enjoy the moment of where you are at. Good, bad and indifferent. There is constant beaty around us and don’t forget to stop and take it in.

So while I continue to work on whatever bigger challenges come to me over the coming weeks, I also look forward to the endless beauty that is only on the horizon from now.

Bring it on, with gentleness and ease of course..